Tuesday, 22 July 2014

Samuel 'Squish' Bigara RIP Feb 2014, dd 25th July 2014.

I feel like I am alright.
I suppose I am moving, and doing, and being?
Each night filling in my activities for the following day so that I feel in control, deciding on my meals in advance - so that I remember to eat properly. Working with focus and determination. Sometimes thinking to myself 'I must remember to enjoy these moments'...

And then it hits me - winding me. The reality. Plain to see. Gutting me. Ripping a jagged hole across my chest just below my heart. Nauseating me. Bending me. Until I feel like I'm going to snap inwardly... The reality of what has happened to my carefully laid out plans.

Some of you know, some may understand this truth: when it is your third child. So well planned and expected excitedly each month - for almost a year. Wanted and desired well before those two pink lines showed up, and the phone calls to Grannies and Grandpas began. Before that status post and it's 100+ likes, that carried so many exclamation marks, and well before the premature dusting-off of baby things...

It will take time for the absolute finality to sink in. My boy. Hands still flutter absentmindedly over a now lifeless space. Darkened eyes still flit over the glowing and growing girth of friends who announced at the same time... Trying to be pleased for them but ultimately coveting...

Hearing the quiet, sad, late night words from sisters who loved you completely. The same sister who spoke with you every day and clutched my tummy to them possessively. Hearing them say 'We were so excited to have Christmas with him this year' and 'we wanted to carry him and kiss him'...

When the missed day of arrival sails by there will be fresh tearing of heart and tearing of eyes... Because: There will be no small hands to hold, no late nights, no warm soft rounded cheeks to kiss, no new eyes, no new baby smell, no little noises and tiny movements, no new fertile mind to grow. No tantrums over car seats, no crawling, jumping or running. No grasping or holding to a wet mouth. There will be no quick hugs after a fall, no first christmas, no Mama's and Dada's, no kisses on scraped knees, no climbing of trees, no first bike and training wheels, no first girlfriend, no 18th party, no wedding day, no 'first' anything. Nothing.

Just the dreams and 'memories' of a tiny little precious and beautiful boy who stole my heart, and left his mommy too soon.

RIP Samuel 'Squish' due 25th July 2014, never forgotten.


Sandy Bigara

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Update: Malaysia Airlines Flight Crash in Ukraine

I've seen a very disturbing article and can now say confidently, and with much sadness, that there was NO case of broken telephone this time around.

"A Malaysian Airlines passenger plane has been shot down on the Russian-Ukraine border in an 'act of terrorism', killing all 295 people on board including a reported five to ten Britons and 23 Americans.
The Boeing 777 aircraft was hit by a sophisticated surface-to-air missile over territory near Donetsk held by pro-Russian rebels who the Ukrainian government says are backed by the Kremlin.

Read more:
Follow us: @MailOnline on Twitter | DailyMail on Facebook"

RIP to the passengers and crew of Malaysian Airlines flight MH17. Heartbroken. My thoughts are with their families at this time. Also heavy on our minds: Israel and Palestine... Hoping as always for peace to prevail.


Sandy Bigara

Russia Shot Plane Over Ukraine Fact or Fiction?

I'm sure we're experiencing a case of 'broke down telephone' again. There are reports of another Malaysia Airways Boeing crashing (after being shot) - but at the same time, in a less viral way, reports are surfacing of a Jet that has been shot down over Ukraine.

Your thoughts?

Here are the articles:

Malaysia Airways Boeing has crash landed on Ukraine border.May have been shot down.

Fuller write-up: Malaysia Airlines plane crash: 295 killed after Boeing passenger jet 'shot down' in Ukraine.

Is it not possibly this plane:
Ukraine conflict: Russia accused of shooting down jet (posted an hour before I posted this)

Here again, perhaps this is a fighter jet down, and not another Malaysia Airlines Plane:
Ukraine accuses Russia of shooting down fighter jet

Sandy Bigara